Table Manners 101: A Primer

Recently, I attended a rehearsal dinner because (a) my husband was a groomsmen to the wedding, and (b) I was the wedding coordinator. The couple getting married happened to be good friends of ours, and so we knew most of the bridal and groom’s party.

One of the groomsmen was a particularly good-looking young man that we’ve known for years. In our past experience with him, he’s been generally arrogant, misogynistic, and moody.

And he has the most exquisite table manners. Precisely and shockingly exquisite.

It was then that it occurred to me, as I was now completely re-evaluating a man who, up to that point, I had taken to be a complete charlatan, how important table manners can actually be in one’s perception of people.

On the flip-side, I was recently at another wedding rehearsal dinner (tis the season, ya’ll) where not one of the Bridesmaids knew how to eat in a formal setting. They rested their butter-laden knife on the linen table cloth, they talked on their cell phones, grabbed passing waiters by the wrists to put in orders for more martinis. I was so embarrassed for the Bride and Groom.

So I present to you, Table Manners 101: A Primer.

Is it ever okay to touch a waiter?

Not unless he/she assaults you with a wine bottle. Don’t. Touch. The. Staff. This rule goes first, before anything else, because that’s what I see people doing most often. Even a polite touch of two fingers to the wrist is unacceptable, to say nothing to reaching out and grabbing an elbow as they pass. These people are providing a service for you. They are in the service industry. For that, you should treat them with the utmost respect.

I was once dining in a very formal restaurant with my boyfriend at the time. Because the waiter had not removed the salad fork after my boyfriend had turned down salad, my boyfriend absently picked it up and started eating the entree with it. The waiter, who was French, immediately descended upon our table, grabbed my boyfriend’s wrist, and plucked the fork out of his hand, admonishing us the entire time, in French. “Now,” he said, pocketing the salad fork and picking up my boyfriend’s entree fork and placing it in his hand instead, “C’est meilleur, non?“

My boyfriend – a 6′7″ young man built like a line-backer – simply stared in awe at the audacity of our waiter.

I was quicker on the jump.

“Non,” I said, “Ce n’est pas meilleur. Please send the manager over. Le directeur. Oui. Merci.“

Across the board, the rule is: no touching.

If I’m dining out, how much do I tip?

This question comes second, because it’s the second-biggest mistake I see most often. We’ll get into the hard-core stuff in a minute.

Here’s the thing about tipping in the service industry in America: almost everyone in the service industry does not make minimum wage. They make less than minimum wage. This is one of the few job industries in which this is legal, under the guise that they get tipped. If they work in an upscale establishment, they probably make more than minimum wage. If they don’t, then they probably make around or less than minimum wage, depending on their shift.

Mick Vann at the Austin Chronicle writes:

Restaurants pay waiters as little as $2.13 per hour in Texas. Minimum wage in the state is [$6.55] per hour, and the restaurant only has to make sure that between their hourly wage and their tips, they make at least the minimum wage. Of course, most do much, much better than minimum wage, or they wouldn’t still be waiting tables. Forget benefits like paid medical and vacations. Fifteen-minute breaks for every four hours worked? Not a chance. And contrary to what most anti-tippers believe, waiters do report their tips as income to the IRS, on Form 4070. To avoid an audit or an automatic allocation of tips, they report as tip income at least 10% or more of their total sales, which might or might not be what they actually make…

Waiters almost always have to tip out a portion of their total tips each shift to support staff: bus people, bartenders, dishwashers, etc. By law, that portion is supposed to be determined solely and independently by the staff, with no influence from management. Unscrupulous management often tries to find a way to dip into that total to supplement pay for other employees.

I recommend tipping 15%-20%. Less than 15% is inexcusable. If you’re making the choice to dine out, then you have to factor in the cost of tipping.

So remember – you are not tipping as a reward for good service. You are tipping to contribute to their basic cost of living. Cheap tippers or “I don’t tip” people are bastards, and there are no two ways about it.

How do I know what fork to use? / How do I set a table myself?

Emily Post rocks my world on table setting reference. As a child, anytime I would set a formal table in my house, I would go ask my father where the utensils went. And he would inevitably say, “Hell, baby, I don’t know – go get The Book.”

The Book was Emily Post’s Etiquette, and no one describes table settings better than she.

Appropriate diagrams for setting your table are posted here:

• Basic Place Setting
• Informal Place Setting
• Formal Place Setting

Do waiters really serve on a certain side? Which side, and should I serve like that when I’m entertaining in my home?

The general rule is “serve from the left, collect from the right.” In upscale restaurants, this is precisely what happens – if a server is bringing you anything, they’ll put it on the table to your left or come from the left-hand-side to put it directly in front of you. If the server is clearing or removing anything, they’ll do so from your right-hand-side. The exception to this is if the tables or chairs are arranged in such a way that it becomes difficult or dangerous to do so.

Will the servers do this at TGIFriday’s? No, do not expect “HI MY NAME IS Vanessa” to serve from the left and clear from the right at TGIFriday’s. And no, you don’t have to do it in your own home – typically, if you’re having a small group of people (4-6 total), everyone serves themselves.
What do I do if I don’t want any wine, or anymore wine?

If wine is offered, you can either say “No, thank you,” or, if you’re in the middle of a conversation, politely pass your hand over the wine glass when the waiter comes around to you. This does not mean to rest your palm on top of it – you don’t actually touch the glass. And be discreet with this gesture – not flashy.

Um, why does the waiter show me the bottle of wine and what the hell am I supposed to do?

So sometimes wine presentation can be showy. Some restaurants make a big production of it – truly, you expect the waiter to light sparklers and do a little tap-dance while he pours – and other times, a waiter will quietly show the bottle to the host, wait for his or her approval, and then pour.

The main reason a waiter shows a bottle of wine to you is so that you can verify that it is, in fact, the bottle you wanted. I didn’t understand this until, years ago, I was on a date with a man more educated than me on the subject of wine. He ordered a very specific Malbec, and then when the waiter brought it, it was incorrect – not the wrong year, or even the wrong label, but actually a completely different wine altogether. My date smiled politely, and quietly said “I’m sorry, I actually asked for the Mendoza Malbec.” The waiter immediately recognized that he’d actually brought us another table’s bottle of wine – a Merlot – and quickly hurried off to fetch us the one we ordered. Crisis averted for us, the waiter, and the other table.

Why does the waiter only pour a little bit of wine into the glass first?

This is for you to taste, to make sure that (a) it’s what you ordered and (b) it’s in good condition. Wine does sometimes go over, and the waiter wants to give you the chance up-front to let him know if it’s gone bad instead of trying to flag him down again after the fact. Do you have to swirl it around and hold it up to the light and all that jazz? Only if you truly know what you’re doing. Wine presentation is sort of like clapping at the Opera – if you don’t know how to do it, then don’t do it at all.

I simply taste it, or if I’m in the middle of conversation, say “I’m sure it’s fine, thank you,” which gives him the signal to pour for everyone who’s requested wine.

Am I supposed to sniff the wine cork?

Look, there are a handful of people in the world who do not look like a total moron while sniffing a wine cork. Odds are, you are not one of these lucky people. The waiter presents the cork to you to signify that (a) it’s in tact and he didn’t tear it all-to-hell trying to remove it, and (b) to let you smell it to see if the wine has gone over without actually putting the glass up to your nose or putting any wine in your mouth. Spoiled bottles of wine are rare, and so, no, as a general rule, please don’t sniff the cork.

As a sidenote, I like to pocket my corks and keep them as souvenirs of a particularly fun or memorable night. I have a little china bowl filled to the brim with the important ones.

Okay, enough with the wine stuff – down to brass tacks. What’s all the silverware for? How do I know when to use what?

Check out Emily Post’s diagrams, linked above, for a detailed description.

The quick-and-dirty rules are as follows:

1. Forks on the left, knives and spoons on the right. If you have trouble with this, remember – “FORK and LEFT” have both have four letters; KNIFE and RIGHT have five.
2. If you’re lost, start on the outside and work your way in. For example, if the salad is being served first (customary in America), then the salad fork will be on the far left, furtherest away from your dinner plate. If the salad is being served after the entree (as is customary in Italy), then the salad fork will be between your entree fork and your dessert fork.
3. The smaller fork is for salad. If you’re not having salad, the waiter should remove it.
4. The smallest and weirdest looking fork with funky tines (ditto for the funky looking knife) is likely a fish fork.
5. The small, really funky looking fork with only two tines (looks like devil’s horns) is an oyster fork, and it’ll be the only fork to ever go on the right side of your plate.
6. The largest fork is for your entree.
7. The small, dull knife is the butter knife, and it’ll be placed across your bread plate.

Okay – what about all that glassware? Which glass do I use for what?

1. The water goblet is usually the largest, most sturdy glass, and it’s placed the furthest inward, directly above the knives.
2. Next is the red wine glass, which will be the larger of the two wine glasses, and then the white wine glass, which will be smaller.
3. If a very small glass exists, it’s usually for sherry, port, or cordials, which is traditionally drunk after dinner or with dessert.

Is there a right way to eat bread?

Well, there’s a polite way. The polite way to eat bread is not to butter the entire thing at one time and then take bites out of it, but rather to tear it apart, one small piece at a time, and butter each piece. This isn’t as snobby as it sounds – this ensures that you will take small bites, which is not only better for your digestion, but also ensures that you won’t get excited and cram too much in your mouth at one time, thereby looking like an utter fool. (What? I’m talking from experience. I’m Italian; I get easily excited about bread.)

This also ensures that you won’t get overly excited about the butter and take more than your fair share while buttering your entire roll at one time. (What? I get overly excited about butter, too.)

The exception to this rule is if the bread is particularly crumbly, like a biscuit or cornbread. Then, it’s every man for himself. (Mmmm. Cornbread.)

As a sidenote, use your bread plate. No, for christ’s sake – USE. YOUR. BREAD. PLATE. The bread plate is there not only to give you something to sit your butter-knife on, but also to catch crumbs so that you don’t look like a toddler with the dead remains of smooshed, exploded cracker packets surrounding you.

What do I do with my napkin?

1. Place your napkin in your lap immediately upon sitting down. The very instant. Otherwise, you may forget, and then you’ll be me – I remember half-way through the meal, and realize that my napkin is still on the table, signifying to everyone else that I have no idea how to eat. Put it in your lap first thing.
2. If you get up from the table – to use the facilities, to take a phone call - leave the napkin on the chair. No, I mean it, ya’ll – leave it on the chair. No one wants to see your half-used, greasy napkin. And even if the napkin is pristine, a napkin on the table is often a sign to the waiter that the person has left for good and not coming back. Don’t confuse them.
3. When you are done – entirely done, all courses finished, and asking for the check - you can loosely fold your napkin and place it on the table. Do not put a cloth napkin over your plate – someone is going to have to fish that napkin out of your sauce and crumbs that way. Don’t do it. Folding a napkin (loosely) and placing it on the table means the server can pick up all the used napkins in one swoop, without a mess. If you fold your napkin neatly and precisely, that implies that you think the host might reuse it without washing it – not good either.

As a sidenote, any time a napkin is folded in a complex manner (like an origami crane, for instance), I feel the urge to grab the little linen crane’s head and snap the napkin open all fancy, like a magician. I fight down this urge. You should too.

Can I place my used silverware on the table?

No. Not even if it’s plastic, and you’re at a BBQ joint. Used silverware should never touch the table or table cloth, because it can stain. And if there’s no tablecloth, still – you don’t want to be placing a utensil that goes in your mouth just anyplace. Rest your entire utensil on the side of your plate. Don’t rest the handle on the table and the other end on the plate – this is begging for it to slide off and clatter loudly, or worse, careen into a wine glass and break the stem. Some of the more trendy restaurants now have plates that slope so much they resemble bowls, making it impossible to balance anything on them. If this is the case, treat it like a pasta bowl – leave your fork and knife inside, if possible, with the handles resting on the edge.

How do I signal to the waiter that I’m finished?

1. If you’re simply pausing for an extended period of time – for example, you need to excuse yourself, or the conversation has just become intense and you’d like to stop eating in order to listen – then place your fork on the left of the plate and your knife on the right, so that the cross like an “X” in the center. This signals that you are not, in fact, ready to have your plate removed.
2. If you are going to be taking a second-helping of something, place the knife and fork parallel to each other on the right of the plate so that there’s room for food.
3. If you’re finished eating entirely, place your knife (blade towards you) and fork parallel, at 4:00. (Meaning if the plate is like the face of a clock, 12:00 being the top and 6:00 being the bottom, the handles of your knife and fork should be resting at 4:00.)

How do I pass things correctly?

First, don’t ever reach across the table with a plate of food, a utensil, or anything else. It’s aggressive, rude, and increases the chance for disaster if your hand decides to have a spasm. If someone across the table asks for something small, like the salt and pepper, then place them on the table beside the person next to you. He/She should pick them up and place them on the other side, beside the person next to them. Items should never be passed hand-to-hand, unless they’re large (like a serving plate of food) and there is absolutely no way you can place them on the table between each person.

What can I eat with my hands?

Burgers and sandwiches are generally okay, as are burritos and other similar foods, unless they’re too big to pick up and fit easily in your mouth. Never under-estimate how much easier it is to eat a large cheeseburger if you cut it in half first.

Corn on the cob can be eaten by hand, but you’ll need to only butter 1-2 rows at a time, eat them, and then butter the next 1-2 rows. This ensures that you won’t end up with butter all over your chin.

Berries can be tricky. The rule is that you’re allowed to each the following three things with your fingers: (1) strawberries with the hulls on, (2) cherries with stems, or (3) grapes in bunches. Otherwise, if it’s something loose, like raspberries or blueberries, eat them with a fork.

The two As: artichokes and asparagus:

We’ll tackle asparagus first, because it’s easier. If there’s no sauce (nothing messy) on your asparagus, you can actually pick up individual stalks and eat them one bite at a time. If there’s sauce of any kind, eat it with a knife and a fork. I tend to wave food around if it’s in my hand for very long, so I generally eat everything with a knife and fork. (As a sidenote, don’t wave stuff around, especially not your knife. That’s all you need is to get overzealous while gesturing and be responsible for your dinner-date needing an eye-patch.)

Artichokes are harder. In fact, the person who serves whole artichokes should probably be smacked around, as they’re one of the most notoriously confusing foods to eat. A nice, illustrated guide on eating an artichoke is here.

Sticky Situations: How to Properly Decline a Wedding Invitation and Other Issues

So you’ve gotten one of those wedding invitations where you suspect the Bride has invited everyone she’s ever come in contact with, including the checker at the grocery store. Or perhaps you’ve received a wedding invitation from an actual friend, but have already made irreversible plans (such as expensive plane tickets to Europe, or knee-surgery, or a family reunion).

How do you properly decline?

The most common way to appropriately decline a wedding invitation is simply by filling out the RSVP card: write the number of people declining on the ___ decline with regret line.

How many people is this? No more than the number the invitation is addressed to. For example, if the invitation is addressed to both you and your significant other, it goes (2) decline with regret. If the invitation is addressed to you only, simply write (1) decline with regret.

It’s also nice to include either a hand-written note on the RSVP card, or a hand-written note on your own stationary. Be honest, and keep it brief – don’t go on and on about how you’d truly love to be there, but just can’t possible, dah-ling. If the situation is genuinely sticky (for example, you actually don’t know or like the person very well, or the wedding is 1,200 miles away and you can’t possible afford the plane fare), then simply thank them for thinking of you, ask them to accept your apologies, and congratulate them.

An example follows:

If no RSVP card is enclosed (which is sometimes the case with a bridal shower or a luncheon), you can write a formal decline on your own stationary.

All lettering should be centered, and should look like this:

Who do I actually decline to?

Give your regrets to whomever the RSVP envelope is addressed to. If there is no RSVP envelope, give your regrets to whomever the invitation says is hosting the wedding.

For example, “John and Jane Smith invite you to celebrate the marriage of their daughter” implies that you should decline to none other than John and Jane. If, however, the invitation lists the parents as hosts, but the RSVP envelope is addressed directly to the Bride herself, then decline to the Bride – she’s obviously going to be the one tallying the responses.

But do I still have to send a gift?
Well, yes. I mean, you don’t have to do anything, but it is better to err on the side of etiquette. The same theory applies to weddings as to formal dinner parties – if the hosts are being kind enough to feed and entertain you, you should at least be kind enough to bring a bottle of wine. Even if you’re declining a wedding invitation, the hosts offered to entertain you, not to mention share an incredibly special moment with you – and that is worth a gift.

How do I know what kind of gift to send?

A Bride and Groom should be registered at 2-3 different stores – for example, Macy’s, William-Sonoma, and Restoration Hardware. More and more, stores are giving the Bride little cards that have her registry information on them to include in her invitations. This is incredibly poor taste, and I wish someone would smack those marketing people in the face.

Proper etiquette declares that an invitation should never, ever have the wedding registry information. According to the strictest rules, a couple shouldn’t even specify “no gifts please” on their invitations. Instead, the Mother of the Bride and the Maid of Honor are responsible for spreading the word on where the couple is registered, or if they’d even like gifts at all, or if the couple is requesting donations to a charity instead. (For example, Jack’s mother died of cancer at a young age, and so we put the word out with my mother and my bridesmaids that we’d truly prefer donations to the American Cancer Society instead.)

So if you have questions, feel free to call the Mother of the Bride or the Maid of Honor and simply ask. If you know the Bride very well, then ask her yourself.

If I decline a wedding invitation to someone else’s wedding, is it then okay to invite them to my wedding?

Well…yes and no. For this reason, I do my best not to decline wedding invitations at all if I can help it – it’s too easy to get into a tit-for-tat mindset. Technically, they invited you, so you should still invite them, unless you are having an incredibly small ceremony or reception (for example, only you, the groom, and the immediate wedding party on a beach in Hawaii). But don’t be surprised if you get a decline back; when you decline someone’s wedding invitation, it sort of gives them an equal excuse to decline yours.

If I bring a gift to the bridal shower, do I have to bring a gift to the wedding?

In America, it’s appropriate to do either. Again, I err on the side of caution and bring someone small to the bridal shower – something the bride has specifically registered for (such as a nice set of cocktail napkins) or something just for her (such as a small gift certificate to the salon to take her mind off wedding planning). Then I bring something larger of their registry (like a place-setting of china, or a hand-mixer) to their wedding.

This can vary from region to region, though, and certainly from country to country. I have an aunt living in Canada who was recently invited to a bridal shower, and she brought her large gift (an espresso maker) to the shower and came to the wedding empty-handed. After the wedding, the Bride actually called her and said, “I didn’t see a gift from you at our wedding, and I wanted to make sure it hadn’t been misplaced.” Honestly, this was in poor taste on the Bride’s part, but of course my aunt felt awful and wished she’d just sucked it up and brought something small to the shower, then her large gift to the wedding instead.

I’m being invited to the wedding, and a kitchen-shower, and a lingerie-shower, and a regular bridal shower – do I have to go to all of that? And do I have to bring separate gifts for each one?

Here’s the deal – showers are all about opening the gifts, one at a time, and everyone looking at them and saying, “Ohhh,” and “Ahhh.” If you’re not going to bring a gift, you’re going to seem rude and out-of-place, so politely decline. (Declining a bridal shower is not nearly as big a deal as declining the wedding itself.) If you’re invited to several events – I myself have both a bridal shower and a lingerie shower for the same woman coming up – then I recommend either turning one or the other down entirely, negating your need to bring a gift, or attending both and bringing a gift to both. That’s the only proper way to do it.

If you’re going to decline a shower, be sure to do so following the rules already covered in this post.

If the invitation is only addressed to me, can I bring a guest?

The hard-and-fast rule is “No.” Weddings are expensive things, and if the Bride is only addressing the invitation to you, she’s probably thought long and hard about it, and decided to try and keep the costs down. Respect her decision.

If, however, the invitation is addressed to Your Name and Guest, then she’s leaving it up to you to come stag or to come with a date. Typically, the rule is that it’s necessary to invite both people if they are married, and it’s polite to invite both people if they are engaged. Other than that – whether you’ve been seeing your significant other for five days or five years – it’s really up to the Bride’s discretion.

If you’ve got a significant other that you can’t possible leave out, or if you’ve already made plans with a close friend or relative for that weekend, then call the Bride or the Maid of Honor and ask directly. Most Brides will graciously allow this if you’re polite enough to ask first, and if they say “thanks but no thanks – I’d rather you come alone,” then you are allowed to (gracefully!) decline.

Can I bring my kids to the wedding?

Not unless the invitation is addressed to them specifically. It is fine to bring your children if the invitation is addressed to either:

The Smith Family or John, Jane, Krissy and John Jr.

If the invitation is only addressed to you, or to you and your spouse (example: “Ms. Jane Smith” or “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”), then assume children are not invited. If you can’t find a babysitter or just simply can not leave your children at home, you can always call the Bride or the Maid of Honor and ask politely, but be aware that this puts them in a difficult situation because you’re asking them to choose between you and your children. Bringing your 50-year old (assumingly well-behaved) mother because she has already made plans to come and visit you that weekend is one thing; asking the Bride to eschew your three children under the age of 12 is another.

And remember – this may not be anything personal. First, children will be children, and it’s difficult for most of them to sit through both a ceremony and a reception without them being bored or loud. Second, it may not be your children she’s concerned about – she may have a particularly badly behaved set of children with one of her other friends or family members, and she’s exercising the Equal Discrimination Rule: if you’re not going to invite all the children, then don’t invite any.

How do I properly address people when responding to an invitation?

Addressing rules are covered in The Lost Art of Letter Writing.

The Lost Art of Letter Writing

Email has us rudely rediscovering the lost art of correspondence in much the same fashion one “rediscovers” a lost thumbtack while visiting the bathroom in the dead of night.

Travis Charbeneau, “Relearning the Art of Correspondence”

There is a very good reason why women of privilege kept bedrooms separate from their husbands – they served as domestic headquarters, or home offices. Running large households with numerous social engagements (and entanglements) required a woman to have her own desk, her own files, her own closet and dressing area, her own space, simply put, to sit and think – to organize the day before it began in the morning, and to deconstruct and evaluate it in the evening. This has gone out of fashion in the past 30 years, and so has the practice of correspondence.

This article intends to cover the ways and styles of proper, old-fashioned correspondence.

Jackie Kennedy was famous for her thank-you notes and kind letters. They inspired French President Charles DeGaulle, they moved Pakistani President Ayub Khan, and they comforted Kathleen Graham after the suicide of her husband. Her correspondence secured and endeared her in many situations that would benefit not only her, but her family and friends, either immediately or in the future.

A lady writes by hand. A quick one-line thank you for a casual BBQ may seem appropriate in this age of technology, but because it is so easy to dash off, it doesn’t stand out. It’s completely forgettable. Sitting down with pen and paper requires both time and concentration, and people immediately recognize that when they receive a hand-written note in the mail, no matter how brief. And it’s true that everyone loves to receive personal mail, especially when it’s become a bit of a novelty – a well-written letter can often be more effective than sending flowers.

Choose Your Stationary

Formal Correspondence

Jackie wrote on Smythson of Bond Street’s Nile Blue stationary with white embossing. In fact, this was the exact stationary of choice for many upper-class women of that era. Personalization like Jackie’s will run you from $350-$1,000.

Or, you can fake it, like I do. Smythson’s plain writing paper and envelopes (no personalization) are actually quite affordable. I pay $47 total for 50 sheets of Nile Blue writing paper, 25 envelopes, and shipping. The plain envelopes and letter sheets are still watermarked with “Smythson’s of Bond Street” to give you that classic edge.

Then I use an embossing stamp purchased from Expressionary.com for $60 to emboss my name and return address. I chose the Wallace design, but they have plenty to choose from. If you move often (a college student, for example), then be sure to invest in a stamp that just has your name and no physical address.

If you really don’t care about embossing, but would still like some personalization on the top of the letter sheet or on the envelope flap, Expressionary also makes monochrome and multi-colored ink stamps for this purpose. I save this good stuff for corresponding with my grandmother, my husband’s family members, acquaintances that I don’t know intimately, business associates, and anyone else to whom I might want to present an elegant, cultured picture.

Casual Correspondence

For my casual correspondence – dashing off a thank-you note for a Memorial Day BBQ, or a birthday gift from a close girlfriend, for example – I use Felix Doolittle, and no one else. He designs original watercolor stationary that is both classical and fun, with a slightly old-world, Gold Coast touch. He does both personalized ($70 for 50 letter sheets and envelopes) and plain ($50 for illustrated letter sheets and envelopes) stationary, as well as his wedding collection, which I think strikes just the right chord between contemporary and sophisticated. He also does more creative things that I adore, such as book plates, baker’s labels, and calling cards, and he has an extensive children’s section. And sign up for the mailing list – I get a notification almost monthly about 20% discounts on everything from his letter sheets to his address labels, so I can stock up at one time and save money.

If Felix is a little too rich for your blood, there’s also Nicole Balch over at PinkLovesBrown, who does crafty, fun personalized stationary that is still high-quality and won’t break the bank. My favorites are her Monogram Stationary ($32 for a set of 30) and her Dressmaker Cards ($12 for 6), but she also does adorable bookplates.

Miscellaneous: Invitations, Calling Cards, Etc.

I used WeddingPaperDivas for my more casual post-wedding brunch invitations, and have been hooked ever since. Since they’re fully customizable, I use their designs for all sorts of things – Christmas parties, summer shin-digs, and anniversary celebrations. (And, unlike Smythson and Felix Doolittle, you can edit and view your personalizations right on the screen!)

Their average invitations will run you between $50 and $60 for 25 (envelopes included), but they’re gorgeous and completely personalized – no tacky “fill in the blank” invitations here! They’re also great for certain events, like weddings, that require multiple pieces of information (like Save the Dates, or direction cards). They’ve also partnered with William Arthur (a leading stationary designer) to form their Letterpress Collection, which is more expensive (average $300 for 25).

For calling cards, I like to go through FineStationary.com, who offers everything from Vera Wang to William Arthur to Crane & Co. The Crane & Co. espresso card is what I currently use for my personal calling cards ($142 for 50).

A note on calling cards: Remember, calling cards are often slightly larger than standard business cards (3.5″ x 2.5″, for example, instead of just 3.5″ x 2.0″), so if you have a business-card case you plan on carrying them in, make sure they’ll fit! And, of course, my favorite guilty pleasure is a Tiffany & Co. business card case ($295).

Cynthia Kling over at Slate covers fancy stationary options in detail in her humorous (and informative) essay, “Paper Swoon.”

Compose Your Note

So you’ve got your fancy stationary, but now you have no idea what to say! This is where the majority of people abandon the letter-writing process altogether. But have no fear! It really is easier than it looks, and it will set you apart from everyone else who still thinks text messages like “thx 4 dnr” are appropriate reciprocation.

Question: When should I write a letter or a thank-you note?

Ideally, within 24 hours after someone has done something nice for you – such as given you tickets to the Opera, invited you to their house for dinner, or sent you a gift. If it is early enough in the evening when I return home, I sit down at my desk and write a thank-you letter immediately, while the gift or experience is still fresh in my mind. If you need to wait until the weekend, do it, but don’t let more than a week (at maximum) elapse.

In situations where you may be swamped with gifts (weddings, graduations, etc), this can get tricky. During the three-month period where I received wedding gifts, I kept a running list of what I had received and from whom each time a package came to the door. Then, each Sunday, I sat down at my desk and wrote out a half-dozen thank-you notes for all the gifts I’d received during that week. (It really does go faster if you knock several out at one time, instead of trying to get yourself into the letter-writing mood several different times over the course of the week.)

Some so-called “experts” say that you may take up to a year to write thank-you notes for your wedding gifts – don’t listen to them. Although this is tempting, it’s incredibly bad taste. Often times, people even wonder if you got their gift at all, which means you’ll need to write a thank-you note ASAP if, for no other reason, to assure them that their gift arrived.

Question: If I’ve already thanked someone in person, do I need to thank them again?

It depends, partially, on how well you know them. If they’re not close friends, then you certainly need to send them a thank-you note in addition to thanking them in person. And often times, we overlook the ones we love the most: after our wedding, I held off on writing my thank-you notes to close girlfriends and family in favor of getting the more formal thank-you notes to my husband’s family, god parents, and distant friends and relatives out of the way first. I knew they wouldn’t mind being pushed back, but I also didn’t forget about them entirely, either. The moral of the story being that even though your close friends and family may not expect a separate “thank you,” that means it’s even more surprising and pleasant when they get one.

Question: Okay, so let’s begin – how to I address the person?

Once upon a time, it was impolite to write the address of a woman using her first name (unless she was a divorcee), hence all the “Mrs. John Doe” stuff. Some older women (like my old-school Italian grandmother) prefer this; many middle-aged and younger women who have made careers of their own do not. When I get a chance to have an intimate conversation with a woman, I usually ask them outright: “How do you prefer to be addressed?” Barring that, here are the simple rules I follow:

• If a woman is a professional (such as a doctor), be sure to use her pre-fix title, such as Dr. Amy Harrison, or Judge Jennifer Stanhope.
• If one spouse is a doctor, address it as “Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. David Williams” or vice-versa.
• If both spouses are doctors, address it either “Drs. Jane Smith and David Williams” or “Drs. Jane and David Smith,” depending on the last name/marriage factor.
• If a woman is unmarried but over 18, use Ms. (the marriage-neutral form of Miss/Mrs) to be safe. When pronouncing this title out loud, it sounds like “Mizz” instead of “Miss” or “Missus.”
• If a woman is married, but had kept her own last name, stick with Ms. as well. If the note is being addressed to both spouses who have separate last names, use “Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. David Williams.”
• If a woman is married, and has taken her husband’s last name, then use Mrs. Jane Smith or, more informally, Janie and Dave Smith.
• If a young woman is still under 18 (say, your niece), it’s fine to address her as “Miss.” Otherwise, leave off the Miss unless a woman specifically requests it. For example, my childhood friend Marie is 26, unmarried, and has a career of her own, but still prefers to go by the Southern style of Miss Marie Clarke.

When addressing them in the letter themselves, it’s usually fine to write “Dear Jane.” If it’s a thank-you note for a business purpose (such as a follow-up on a job interview), then use “Ms. Smith” unless she has instructed you to call her “Jane.” The same goes for men.

Examples: Alright already – just show me how to do it!

Follow this formula:

1. Address the couple warmly
2. Write what, specifically, you are thanking them for
3. Jot down something that you particularly enjoyed about the event or gift – why it was special
4. Thank them for their thoughtfulness
5. Sign your name with an appropriate closure

For a couple we know quite well who invited us to share their tickets to the Opera:

Dear Jane and David,

Last Friday was the high point of our summer! While Jack and I have both been to the Opera plenty of times separately, this was our first time to attend together since we’ve been married. We’re so glad we were able to share this moment with you. Madame Butterfly was so beautiful; we had such a wonderful time. It was so kind of you to think of us. We hope to be able to return the favor soon!

Love,

Lily Beth & Jack

For a more formal couple (a friend of our parents) who we’ve never met in person, but sent us a wedding gift:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

We can not thank you enough for the gorgeous pewter serving tray. We used it for our post-wedding brunch and received to many compliments on it – it truly added grace and elegance to our table setting. It was so incredibly kind of you to think of us on our wedding day. We regret that you could not attend, but we kept you in our hearts. I’ve enclosed a program from our wedding. If you are ever in town, please don’t hesitate to call us – we would love to meet you and show you around.

Warm regards,

Lily Beth and Jack

The more tricky things – note of apology:

If you’ve screwed up in some way that adversely affected someone else, a phone call is usually the most sincere route to go. (I know it’s sometimes hard to admit your faults verbally, but if you’ve made a mistake, cowboy up and do it!) Often times, a follow-up note doesn’t hurt either.

Dear Jenny,

I do apologize for having to call and cancel our RSVP to your party on Sunday night. As I said on the phone, I accepted your invitation without realizing we had already committed to entertaining houseguests from Phoenix that weekend. I really should have double-checked my calendar, and I am truly sorry for any difficulty this may have caused with seating or catering. Jack and I were so disappointed we are that we could not make it. We hope it won’t be too long before we see you and Michael again.

Affectionately,

Lily Beth

A final note: Finding your “natural voice” from Emily Post, Etiquette Queen:

Have no fear: You don’t have to excel at writing to compose a good note or letter. The best personal letters are conversational, reflecting both your personality and speech. A few simple steps will make the recipient feel as if the two of you were chatting:

• Don’t replace phrases typical of your speech with more formal language. Someone who would say, “The buzz at work is…” sounds stilted when she writes, “The topic giving rise to the most gossip…”
• Use contractions. Since you almost certainly choose “I don’t know” over “I do not know” when speaking, go with the same words when writing.
• Occasionally, insert the person’s name to add a touch of familiarity and affection. “And, Beth, guess what we’re going to do this summer?” makes Beth feel as though you’re honestly thinking about her as you write.
• Use punctuation to enliven your writing. Underlining a word or using an exclamation point after a phrase or sentence gives emphasis where you want it. (Just don’t overdo it – and no smiley face under the exclamation point, please.) You can set off phrases with a dash: “We went to a dance last night – what a party!” has more pizzazz than “We went to a dance last night, and it was great.”
• Keep it as short as possible. The brief tale is always more interesting than the drawn-out one.

Attending the Opera

I attended a smashing performance of Madame Butterfly last night. It was the first opera I’ve seen in awhile, and it occurred to me that if I hadn’t worked at an opera house for a few years, negotiating the quagmire of “classical arts” etiquette might be completely overwhelming.

Dress

I couldn’t help but notice a more-than-usual amount of young women who looked like they were dressing to go to The Viper Room instead of the Opera: tight, gold mini-dresses and matching gold lamé stilettos, or worse, fake cheetah print jackets with bright red lipstick and huge sunglasses that they wore pushed back on their heads the entire time.

Now I know that Opera is lauded as an “anyone can come” type of event, because we want fine arts to be accessible to everyone, yadda yadda yadda, and I still truly believe that. But I also believe, if the Opera house is going to be kind enough to extend you the courtesy of taking you “as you are,” then you should be respectful enough to dress reverently. Or at least take a stab at it.

A formal dress is never out of place at a traditional Opera – in fact, it’s a good excuse to break out the stuff too fancy to wear to regular events. For example, last night I wore a Grecian-styled black Halston. It was simple and elegant – because it is long, it is a bit too elegant to wear to cocktail parties, but because it is simple, it doesn’t run the risk of hitting the Opera dress ceiling. It’s an all-around safe bet.

Many people say that you should dress for the Opera how you dress for church, but I find this problematic for two reasons: 1) I’m atheist, and 2) have you seen the way young girls are dressing for church lately? I like to modify this rule, instead, to “dress the way you would dress if you were meeting your conservative mother-in-law for the first time.” In essence, leave your Forever 21 see-through mini-dress at home.

If you’re anti-dress/skirt, for whatever reason, you can get away with slacks and a nice blouse. (And by blouse, I mean “possesses either sleeves or a collar.”) If you’re at a traditional opera house, and not a black-box, then opt for nice but comfortable heels unless you have orchestra seats – negotiating three flights of stairs six times in a night can be treacherous.

My rule for men is that they can wear jeans if they are neat and clean (no rips, tears, or paint splatters), but they need to dress that up with a tie. If they’re anti-tie, like my husband is, then that calls for slacks with your dress shirt.

Buying Tickets

Here’s the thing about ticket pricing – the most expensive tickets are not always the best seats. In fact, the most expensive tickets are usually box seats, which are set very far off to the right or left side. This is because the sort of people who sit in box seats usually come to the opera to be seen by others, and almost everyone in the house can see the box seats.

Orchestra seats right up front may not be your best bet, either, if you’re interested in acoustics. The best sound is often directed at the first or second balconies. And be careful of any seat set far left or right – operas often have large, fantastic sets, and you want to be able to see everything straight on! Most of the time, a center seat in the balcony is much better than a far-sided seat on the floor.

When in doubt, drop by the box office in person a day or two before, or call and talk to a box office representative. If you’ve never been to the house before, you’ll have questions about the seating chart, run time, intermissions, and parking.

Arrival

Get there early. The Opera is not the place to be fashionably late – in fact, many managers won’t admit late patrons until the first intermission (usually an hour into the opera!) In addition, operas are long, as are the lines to the ladies rooms; get there early enough to use the facilities, get a drink, and talk to people you might run into. Last night was the first night my husband and I had been to the opera together, and we still ran into half-a-dozen people that we knew, all of whom require 2-3 minutes of polite conversation.

Conventions

Don’t talk or hum. No air-conducting. Turn off your cell phone – check it twice.

Leave the yelling of “Bravo!” to people who know the difference between “Bravo,” “Brava,” and “Brave.” If you’re nervous about when to clap, wait for others to begin clapping. (Usually, clapping doesn’t happen until the end of each act, but sometimes it breaks out spontaneously after a particularly impressive performance.) Tis better to have not clapped at all than to have been the only person clapping.

Opera seating, especially in balcony levels, can be tight. I am a big believer in shedding my high heels and sliding them neatly under my seat or slightly to the side as soon as the lights go down. But do this quietly, and don’t wait for the performance to start before you begin clattering around trying to get those strappy stilettos off.

Most opera houses now have what’s called “super-titles” on a screen directly above the stage. This translates the lines in English, so you can keep up with the plot. In addition, they’ll offer a synopsis (a summary of what happens) in the playbill, which is usually pretty detailed. Some people don’t read the synopsis because they want to be surprised; I read the synopsis before each act so that I can be carried along on the music without worrying about who’s sleeping with who, who’s taking revenge on who, etc.

A Final Note

That being said, don’t be afraid! The opera is a completely unique experience, which means that even if you only see one a year, it’s still a nice break from the every-day. Make it an outing with friends – gather up your closest fellow music-lovers, make reservations at a nice restaurant beforehand, and then trek over to the opera house. Many operas are now putting together what is called YP (young professionals) groups, which usually have pretty chic after-parties at local establishments.