Faking Good Breeding Begins with Good Linens

The bed has become a place of luxury to me! I would not exchange it for all the thrones in the world!

- Napoleon Bonaparte

Bed is the poor man’s opera.

- Italian proverb

“Wow. I just want to tell you – I was wrong about the towels. These towels you registered for are fucking great. It’s made me think that maybe I ought to quit picking up towels out of the dumpster and the middle of the street.”

- Jack, my husband, after ten years of bachelorhood

If there is one thing that gets me more excited than French bread, it’s linens.

Here’s the thing about linens and entertaining: they’ll make or break both a planned and unexpected entertaining experience. I can’t count the number of times we’ve just had people from out of town drop by, and after long talks and lots of wine, it would be silly (not to mention dangerous) for them to get in a car and find a hotel.

In addition, we do a lot of planned entertaining as well; we house my brother-in-law and his wife at holidays, we provide lodging for my out-of-town girlfriends from college when they come to visit, we sleep my mother in the guest room when she travels without my father. And on more than one occasion, we’ve provided solace for friends who were having everything from one-night spats with their significant others to girlfriends of mine fleeing abusive relationships.

Now, this is because we have a large house that, if pressed, can sleep five people in addition to Jack and I. We are the obvious couple that people think of when they need a place to stay, and we are lucky enough to have a house that can accommodate large groups of people. But I ran into the same problem when I had a small two-bedroom apartment as well; when people (from Mama to old friends) drop by unexpectedly – and they will - I said a silent prayer each time that I’d washed towels and cleaned the bathroom toilet.

Bed linens are what I looked forward to most about our wedding registry. But once I really began running a household – we had our queen bed to consider, as well as the guest bedroom, and the bed in the study – things became a little more difficult than just picking a nice bedspread.

There were a plethora of options with complicated vocabulary – standard, boudoir, european – and that was just the pillow cases. I knew enough about thread counts to know that the higher the thread count, the better, but that was about it. What were all these fabrics? Was there a difference in “cotton” and “sateen?” Did I need both a coverlet and a duvet? What the hell was a coverlet, anyway?

And so I give you the answers to the questions I wish I’d asked before I got married:

To begin, let’s start with the basics:

• A fitted sheet is the one with elastic that goes on the mattress
• A flat sheet is the one without elastic that gets laid on top
• A “standard” sheet set should include both a fitted and flat sheet, as well as two “standard” sized pillow cases

Now, onto more complicated things. If you already know how to size your sheets and bed, skip on past this next section.

Sizing Up Your Bed

How do I know what size sheets to buy? What do all these words like “Eastern” and “California” mean?

Sheet sizes depend on the size of your bed. Generally, beds come in five sizes:

Twin/Single Bed: The size you likely slept on in your college dorm room. It’s the smallest of adult-beds and it sleeps one, average sized person comfortably. An “extra long” twin is five inches longer, and requires sheets that are also five inches or so longer.

• Twin bed width: 35 inches (about three feet)
• Twin bed length: 79 inches (a little over six-and-a-half feet)
• Sheets:
  • Fitted Sheet: 39″ x 75″
  • Flat Sheet: 66″ x 96″
  • Pillow Case: 20″ x 26″

Double/Full Bed: A double bed and a full bed are the same thing, which was confusing when I moved into my first apartment. They can sleep two average-sized people comfortably, but if you have pets that sleep with you or if you’re taller or wider than “average” or if you just like your own space, damn it, you’ll want to look at a larger bed.

• Double bed width: 54 inches (four-and-a-half feet)
• Double bed length: 75 inches (a little over six-and-a-half feet)
• Sheets:
  • Fitted Sheet: 54″ x 75″
  • Flat Sheet: 81″ x 96″
  • Pillow Case: 20″ x 26″

Queen Bed: This is what Jack and I sleep on, because we have two puppies that sleep with us. It’s a good mid-sized marital (or living-in-sin) bed, especially if you have pets or kids that like to snuggle. Note: a “California Queen” usually refers to the wood-framed waterbed, which is largely going out of style. If you’re looking at willingly paying money for a waterbed, I wash my hands of you.

• Queen bed width: 60 inches (five feet exactly)
• Queen bed length: 80 inches (a little over six-and-a-half feet)
• Sheets:
  • Fitted Sheet: 60″ x 80″
  • Flat Sheet: 90″ x 102″
  • Pillow Case: 20″ x 30″

King Bed (Standard): A King bed is what my parents have always used, because my father is 6′7″ and a standard (or “Eastern”) King Bed is the widest bed available. It’s certainly a luxurious amount of space, but good luck fitting it into a small bedroom.

• King bed width: 76 – 80 inches (a little over six-and-a-half feet)
• King bed length: 80 inches (a little over six-and-a-half feet)
• Sheets:
  • Fitted Sheet: 76-80″ x 85″
  • Flat Sheet: 108″ x 102″
  • Pillow Case: from 20″ x 36″ to 20″ x40″, depending

California King: A California King, also known as a “Western” King, is not as wide as a regular king bed but is longer, which also helps with the lengthy-husband issue. If you want a large bed, this may fit better in the structure of your bedroom, so be sure to look at both this and a Standard/Eastern King.

• King bed width: 72 inches (exactly six feet)
• King bed length: 84 inches (exactly seven feet)
• Sheets:
  • Fitted Sheet: 72″ x 84″
  • Flat Sheet: 102″ x 110″
  • Pillow Case: from 20″ x 36″ to 20″ x40″, depending

A note on Mattress Depth: Mattress depths vary widely by manufacturer. You’ll want to measure the depth of your mattress before purchasing a set of sheets. Standard and older mattresses are usually 9″-12″, while newer pillow-top mattresses are 14-16″ deep and up. A deeper mattress will require additional depth in your fitted sheet, and a larger flat sheet. (You’ll want to be able to tuck 8″ inches or so under the end of the bed.

Fabric & Thread Count

When Jack and I first started living together, I insisted on having more than one set of sheets so I wouldn’t have to do laundry every week. He went to the grocery store, and bought 150 thread-count sheets.

I stared at the package.

“I didn’t know they even made 150 thread count sheets anymore,” I said.

“Oh?” he replied. “Does that matter? They were only $8.”

And not only were they like sleeping on loose-leaf notebook paper, but we wore holes through them within two months.

The lesson here is that 250 thread-count is the minimum number you want to look for when buying sheets.

What is thread-count, anyway? Does it matter?

“Thread count” is the number of horizontal and vertical threads in one square inch of fabric. The price of sheets goes up with the thread count.

Yes, it matters, but no, don’t be obsessive about it. Often, manufacturers will twist two threads together in such a way that it gives a higher thread count, but doesn’t actually make the sheets much softer or make them last much longer. Between 250-350 is fine. Any thread-count above 380 and you’ll probably want to ask some questions about just how the sheets are made.

Linen, flannel, and jersey sheets have lower thread counts because of the type of fabric, but this does not automatically make them bad sheets – it all depends on what you’re looking for. If you live in Minnesota, where the temperature can be as low as -40 degrees in the winter, fuck the trendy “thread count” issue and buy the flannel sheets.

So what about the fabric, anyway?

My number-one recommendation, personally, is 100% cotton sheets. Cotton breathes, and so it won’t feel sticky against your skin. It’s cool in the summer and holds heat in the winter. Percale, flannel, jersey, and sateen are all mostly made with cotton, although the weaves and finish are different, and they may also use other fabrics (like rayon in sateen) to weave in as well in order to give the fabric a softer or more lustrous finish.

Most stores will offer displays to let you touch these different types of fabric. If there’s no way you can feel the fabric of the sheets you’re buying, then scrape that store entirely – the most important thing about bedsheets is whether or not they are comfortable to you. After all, you spend eight hours a day on them.

What about satin sheets? Aren’t those extra-sexy?

Here’s the thing about “satin” sheets: most “satin sheet” sets found in department stores are made of knit acetate, which makes the surface shiny but the feel rough. “Acetate” is not the problem here; “knit” is. It does not look sexy on your bed, and you will not want to sleep on it. A knit satin bedspread is alright, because it won’t be what’s directly against your skin all night, but I always have trouble getting a satin comforter (knit or not) to stay on the bed at all. One move and the thing slips off.

Instead, you want a “woven” satin fabric. “Woven” is key. If it is not “woven,” then run from it – run far and fast. Here’s the long-and-short of satin fabrics:

• Silk is a natural fiber, and usually very expensive. The thread is very fine, and it gives off a more subtle shine than ultra-shiny man-made fabrics. It can’t be over-exposed to sunlight, and it must be dry-cleaned. It also tears easily.
• Acetate is made from wood fibers and may be your best bet if you have skin allergies. It’s allegedly the “closest” to silk, and must be dry-cleaned, no matter what the label says.
• Nylon is petroleum based, so if you’re ecologically conscious, you may want to avoid buying sheets that require oil to process. However, it is a very thick fabric, strong fabric and can be machine-washed. It does break down easily in sunlight and can pill after washing. Some less reputable companies bill their sheets as nylon when they are really acetate, which is problematic when you try to wash them at home.
• Polyester is also petroleum based, but is one of the strongest and most machine-washable. Woven polyester is one of the easiest “satin” fabrics to care for.

The Pillow Dilemma

“You know how many minutes a day I spend getting throw pillows on and off the bed? How many? Four minutes in the morning, four minutes at night. That’s eight minutes of my life. That’s nearly two days of my life a year I spent putting pillows on and off a stupid bed!”

- Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly

Mr. Stiller is correct. He can also bite me, because the right sets of pillows are precisely what makes a bed look made-up and inviting.

Here’s a Common Fancy Pillow Arrangement diagram, with some vocabulary explanation after it:

Pillow Vocabulary:

• Standard Pillowcase: 20 inches x 26 inches. A standard pillow case is what you probably think of when you think of a pillow. It’s rectangular, and fits twin and double beds just fine.
• Queen Pillowcase: 20 inches x 30 inches. A Queen pillow is the same height, but four inches longer, to better fill out your bed. Most Queen pillows fit inside a standard pillowcase. (That’s what that extra four inches of fabric on one of the sides of the pillowcase is for.)
• King Pillowcase: 20 inches x 26 inches. “Standard” pillows will look tiny on a King-sized bed; you’ll need King sized pillows and pillow cases.
• European Square: 26 inches x 26 inches. Those large square pillows that go at the very back of a pillow arrangement. They go on the bed first; think of them as the basic canvas you’ll build upon. They’re especially good for leaning against if you sit up and read in bed. A European Square pillowcase will be like a
  standard pillowcase, but european-sized and square.
• European Sham: A sham is also usually 26 inches by 26 inches, but the border is often a different color or decorative, and will sit out from the pillow, giving it a fuller, more “hotel-like” look.
• Boudoir Pillow: A boudoir pillow is a small decorate pillow that is rectangular, usually 12 inches x 16 inches. It is also called a “breakfast pillow.” I have no idea what it’s actual, practical purpose is other than to give decoration and depth to a pillow arrangement and for chunking at the dogs when they start to gnaw on something in the bedroom.
• Square Throw Pillow: 18 inches by 18 inches. Like a boudoir pillow, but square. It’s listed as “decorative pillow” in the diagram above. Sometimes they’ll be plain, sometimes they’ll have lace. Jack uses ours for extra lower-back support.
• Neck roll: 6 inches x 13 inches, and round/cylindrical. The smallest and last pillow to go on the bed. Good for neck support or lower-back support, but mostly decorative.

Coverlets, Quilts, and Duvets: Basic Bedding Vocabulary

A coverlet and a quilt are often interchangeable, although some coverlets are more like throws – they are meant to be folded at the foot of the bed, and unfold to cover about half your bed, to add extra insulation in the winter. Be sure to check the sizing before you buy.

Coverlets and quilts lay flat – they’re good for a clean look with straight lines. Duvets, however, are a different thing altogether.

A duvet has two layers of fabric with insulation in-between. It usually comes with a washable cover. This washable cover is a pain in the ass to take off, get back on, and generally keep straight. And yet, I keep buying duvets for some reason. Duvets are nice if you like a fluffy look to your bed.

How to Make Hospital Corners

Hospital corners can be tricky to explain without photographs. The easiest, most no-bullshit video I’ve found is here. If you want to attempt it by worded instructions, Martha Stewart has this to say:

1. Stand at the middle of one side and pull up edge of sheet a little more than a foot from the corner. Lift up edge to make diagonal fold, and lay fold back into mattress.
2. Tuck hanging edge under mattress with other hand. Drop folded portion and pull smooth.
3. Tuck hanging portion of sheet, or let it hang down.
4. Leave the sides of the bed untucked for easier sleeping — this also makes it easier to get in and out of bed.

How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

Martha Stewart has a better article (with pictures) on folding fitted sheets here.

Karen at ExpertVillage also does a good 3-step video for folding fitted sheets to fit perfectly on whatever sized shelf you have: Step One, Step Two, and Step Three.

What bedding do you use, Lily Beth?

Martha Stewart has a pretty good bedding collection at Macy’s. She is also the Queen of Decorative Pillows. Her Trousseau Collection is what’s on our master bed currently.

We also own a set of Nautica sheets that I love. Bed Bath and Beyond carries a good selection of Nautica bedding; they’re a safe bet if you like simple stripes or plaid.

If you’re going for a hotel-look and don’t mind the price, Restoration Hardware has a very nice selection of hotel-like linens. I can’t vouch for them personally, as we’ve never owned them, but I do embarrass Jack constantly by rolling around on them whenever we are in the RH store. One day – one day, they will be mine.

Our guest bedroom is done in Pottery Barn’s Matine Toile bedding, because I love toile. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to carry our spring-green color anymore, but they still have cranberry, espresso, ink blue, and powder blue.

In college, I had an expensive set of Nicole Miller bedding – all ivory and powder pink satin, with little pink decorative pillows that had feathers. I loved it, but as soon as anyone sat on the think, the bedspread slipped off and the pillows slipped flat. I would never do it again.

But what about towels?

Bath linens are a whole other issue, but one that I’m equally enthusiastic about. That article is coming next week, so be sure to check back. (If you want, you can use the information on your right to add my RSS feed to your Google or other homepage.) Remember – Lily Beth spends hours writing articles on pillow arrangement so that you don’t have to spend hours researching it.

Table Manners 101: A Primer

Recently, I attended a rehearsal dinner because (a) my husband was a groomsmen to the wedding, and (b) I was the wedding coordinator. The couple getting married happened to be good friends of ours, and so we knew most of the bridal and groom’s party.

One of the groomsmen was a particularly good-looking young man that we’ve known for years. In our past experience with him, he’s been generally arrogant, misogynistic, and moody.

And he has the most exquisite table manners. Precisely and shockingly exquisite.

It was then that it occurred to me, as I was now completely re-evaluating a man who, up to that point, I had taken to be a complete charlatan, how important table manners can actually be in one’s perception of people.

On the flip-side, I was recently at another wedding rehearsal dinner (tis the season, ya’ll) where not one of the Bridesmaids knew how to eat in a formal setting. They rested their butter-laden knife on the linen table cloth, they talked on their cell phones, grabbed passing waiters by the wrists to put in orders for more martinis. I was so embarrassed for the Bride and Groom.

So I present to you, Table Manners 101: A Primer.

Is it ever okay to touch a waiter?

Not unless he/she assaults you with a wine bottle. Don’t. Touch. The. Staff. This rule goes first, before anything else, because that’s what I see people doing most often. Even a polite touch of two fingers to the wrist is unacceptable, to say nothing to reaching out and grabbing an elbow as they pass. These people are providing a service for you. They are in the service industry. For that, you should treat them with the utmost respect.

I was once dining in a very formal restaurant with my boyfriend at the time. Because the waiter had not removed the salad fork after my boyfriend had turned down salad, my boyfriend absently picked it up and started eating the entree with it. The waiter, who was French, immediately descended upon our table, grabbed my boyfriend’s wrist, and plucked the fork out of his hand, admonishing us the entire time, in French. “Now,” he said, pocketing the salad fork and picking up my boyfriend’s entree fork and placing it in his hand instead, “C’est meilleur, non?“

My boyfriend – a 6′7″ young man built like a line-backer – simply stared in awe at the audacity of our waiter.

I was quicker on the jump.

“Non,” I said, “Ce n’est pas meilleur. Please send the manager over. Le directeur. Oui. Merci.“

Across the board, the rule is: no touching.

If I’m dining out, how much do I tip?

This question comes second, because it’s the second-biggest mistake I see most often. We’ll get into the hard-core stuff in a minute.

Here’s the thing about tipping in the service industry in America: almost everyone in the service industry does not make minimum wage. They make less than minimum wage. This is one of the few job industries in which this is legal, under the guise that they get tipped. If they work in an upscale establishment, they probably make more than minimum wage. If they don’t, then they probably make around or less than minimum wage, depending on their shift.

Mick Vann at the Austin Chronicle writes:

Restaurants pay waiters as little as $2.13 per hour in Texas. Minimum wage in the state is [$6.55] per hour, and the restaurant only has to make sure that between their hourly wage and their tips, they make at least the minimum wage. Of course, most do much, much better than minimum wage, or they wouldn’t still be waiting tables. Forget benefits like paid medical and vacations. Fifteen-minute breaks for every four hours worked? Not a chance. And contrary to what most anti-tippers believe, waiters do report their tips as income to the IRS, on Form 4070. To avoid an audit or an automatic allocation of tips, they report as tip income at least 10% or more of their total sales, which might or might not be what they actually make…

Waiters almost always have to tip out a portion of their total tips each shift to support staff: bus people, bartenders, dishwashers, etc. By law, that portion is supposed to be determined solely and independently by the staff, with no influence from management. Unscrupulous management often tries to find a way to dip into that total to supplement pay for other employees.

I recommend tipping 15%-20%. Less than 15% is inexcusable. If you’re making the choice to dine out, then you have to factor in the cost of tipping.

So remember – you are not tipping as a reward for good service. You are tipping to contribute to their basic cost of living. Cheap tippers or “I don’t tip” people are bastards, and there are no two ways about it.

How do I know what fork to use? / How do I set a table myself?

Emily Post rocks my world on table setting reference. As a child, anytime I would set a formal table in my house, I would go ask my father where the utensils went. And he would inevitably say, “Hell, baby, I don’t know – go get The Book.”

The Book was Emily Post’s Etiquette, and no one describes table settings better than she.

Appropriate diagrams for setting your table are posted here:

• Basic Place Setting
• Informal Place Setting
• Formal Place Setting

Do waiters really serve on a certain side? Which side, and should I serve like that when I’m entertaining in my home?

The general rule is “serve from the left, collect from the right.” In upscale restaurants, this is precisely what happens – if a server is bringing you anything, they’ll put it on the table to your left or come from the left-hand-side to put it directly in front of you. If the server is clearing or removing anything, they’ll do so from your right-hand-side. The exception to this is if the tables or chairs are arranged in such a way that it becomes difficult or dangerous to do so.

Will the servers do this at TGIFriday’s? No, do not expect “HI MY NAME IS Vanessa” to serve from the left and clear from the right at TGIFriday’s. And no, you don’t have to do it in your own home – typically, if you’re having a small group of people (4-6 total), everyone serves themselves.
What do I do if I don’t want any wine, or anymore wine?

If wine is offered, you can either say “No, thank you,” or, if you’re in the middle of a conversation, politely pass your hand over the wine glass when the waiter comes around to you. This does not mean to rest your palm on top of it – you don’t actually touch the glass. And be discreet with this gesture – not flashy.

Um, why does the waiter show me the bottle of wine and what the hell am I supposed to do?

So sometimes wine presentation can be showy. Some restaurants make a big production of it – truly, you expect the waiter to light sparklers and do a little tap-dance while he pours – and other times, a waiter will quietly show the bottle to the host, wait for his or her approval, and then pour.

The main reason a waiter shows a bottle of wine to you is so that you can verify that it is, in fact, the bottle you wanted. I didn’t understand this until, years ago, I was on a date with a man more educated than me on the subject of wine. He ordered a very specific Malbec, and then when the waiter brought it, it was incorrect – not the wrong year, or even the wrong label, but actually a completely different wine altogether. My date smiled politely, and quietly said “I’m sorry, I actually asked for the Mendoza Malbec.” The waiter immediately recognized that he’d actually brought us another table’s bottle of wine – a Merlot – and quickly hurried off to fetch us the one we ordered. Crisis averted for us, the waiter, and the other table.

Why does the waiter only pour a little bit of wine into the glass first?

This is for you to taste, to make sure that (a) it’s what you ordered and (b) it’s in good condition. Wine does sometimes go over, and the waiter wants to give you the chance up-front to let him know if it’s gone bad instead of trying to flag him down again after the fact. Do you have to swirl it around and hold it up to the light and all that jazz? Only if you truly know what you’re doing. Wine presentation is sort of like clapping at the Opera – if you don’t know how to do it, then don’t do it at all.

I simply taste it, or if I’m in the middle of conversation, say “I’m sure it’s fine, thank you,” which gives him the signal to pour for everyone who’s requested wine.

Am I supposed to sniff the wine cork?

Look, there are a handful of people in the world who do not look like a total moron while sniffing a wine cork. Odds are, you are not one of these lucky people. The waiter presents the cork to you to signify that (a) it’s in tact and he didn’t tear it all-to-hell trying to remove it, and (b) to let you smell it to see if the wine has gone over without actually putting the glass up to your nose or putting any wine in your mouth. Spoiled bottles of wine are rare, and so, no, as a general rule, please don’t sniff the cork.

As a sidenote, I like to pocket my corks and keep them as souvenirs of a particularly fun or memorable night. I have a little china bowl filled to the brim with the important ones.

Okay, enough with the wine stuff – down to brass tacks. What’s all the silverware for? How do I know when to use what?

Check out Emily Post’s diagrams, linked above, for a detailed description.

The quick-and-dirty rules are as follows:

1. Forks on the left, knives and spoons on the right. If you have trouble with this, remember – “FORK and LEFT” have both have four letters; KNIFE and RIGHT have five.
2. If you’re lost, start on the outside and work your way in. For example, if the salad is being served first (customary in America), then the salad fork will be on the far left, furtherest away from your dinner plate. If the salad is being served after the entree (as is customary in Italy), then the salad fork will be between your entree fork and your dessert fork.
3. The smaller fork is for salad. If you’re not having salad, the waiter should remove it.
4. The smallest and weirdest looking fork with funky tines (ditto for the funky looking knife) is likely a fish fork.
5. The small, really funky looking fork with only two tines (looks like devil’s horns) is an oyster fork, and it’ll be the only fork to ever go on the right side of your plate.
6. The largest fork is for your entree.
7. The small, dull knife is the butter knife, and it’ll be placed across your bread plate.

Okay – what about all that glassware? Which glass do I use for what?

1. The water goblet is usually the largest, most sturdy glass, and it’s placed the furthest inward, directly above the knives.
2. Next is the red wine glass, which will be the larger of the two wine glasses, and then the white wine glass, which will be smaller.
3. If a very small glass exists, it’s usually for sherry, port, or cordials, which is traditionally drunk after dinner or with dessert.

Is there a right way to eat bread?

Well, there’s a polite way. The polite way to eat bread is not to butter the entire thing at one time and then take bites out of it, but rather to tear it apart, one small piece at a time, and butter each piece. This isn’t as snobby as it sounds – this ensures that you will take small bites, which is not only better for your digestion, but also ensures that you won’t get excited and cram too much in your mouth at one time, thereby looking like an utter fool. (What? I’m talking from experience. I’m Italian; I get easily excited about bread.)

This also ensures that you won’t get overly excited about the butter and take more than your fair share while buttering your entire roll at one time. (What? I get overly excited about butter, too.)

The exception to this rule is if the bread is particularly crumbly, like a biscuit or cornbread. Then, it’s every man for himself. (Mmmm. Cornbread.)

As a sidenote, use your bread plate. No, for christ’s sake – USE. YOUR. BREAD. PLATE. The bread plate is there not only to give you something to sit your butter-knife on, but also to catch crumbs so that you don’t look like a toddler with the dead remains of smooshed, exploded cracker packets surrounding you.

What do I do with my napkin?

1. Place your napkin in your lap immediately upon sitting down. The very instant. Otherwise, you may forget, and then you’ll be me – I remember half-way through the meal, and realize that my napkin is still on the table, signifying to everyone else that I have no idea how to eat. Put it in your lap first thing.
2. If you get up from the table – to use the facilities, to take a phone call - leave the napkin on the chair. No, I mean it, ya’ll – leave it on the chair. No one wants to see your half-used, greasy napkin. And even if the napkin is pristine, a napkin on the table is often a sign to the waiter that the person has left for good and not coming back. Don’t confuse them.
3. When you are done – entirely done, all courses finished, and asking for the check - you can loosely fold your napkin and place it on the table. Do not put a cloth napkin over your plate – someone is going to have to fish that napkin out of your sauce and crumbs that way. Don’t do it. Folding a napkin (loosely) and placing it on the table means the server can pick up all the used napkins in one swoop, without a mess. If you fold your napkin neatly and precisely, that implies that you think the host might reuse it without washing it – not good either.

As a sidenote, any time a napkin is folded in a complex manner (like an origami crane, for instance), I feel the urge to grab the little linen crane’s head and snap the napkin open all fancy, like a magician. I fight down this urge. You should too.

Can I place my used silverware on the table?

No. Not even if it’s plastic, and you’re at a BBQ joint. Used silverware should never touch the table or table cloth, because it can stain. And if there’s no tablecloth, still – you don’t want to be placing a utensil that goes in your mouth just anyplace. Rest your entire utensil on the side of your plate. Don’t rest the handle on the table and the other end on the plate – this is begging for it to slide off and clatter loudly, or worse, careen into a wine glass and break the stem. Some of the more trendy restaurants now have plates that slope so much they resemble bowls, making it impossible to balance anything on them. If this is the case, treat it like a pasta bowl – leave your fork and knife inside, if possible, with the handles resting on the edge.

How do I signal to the waiter that I’m finished?

1. If you’re simply pausing for an extended period of time – for example, you need to excuse yourself, or the conversation has just become intense and you’d like to stop eating in order to listen – then place your fork on the left of the plate and your knife on the right, so that the cross like an “X” in the center. This signals that you are not, in fact, ready to have your plate removed.
2. If you are going to be taking a second-helping of something, place the knife and fork parallel to each other on the right of the plate so that there’s room for food.
3. If you’re finished eating entirely, place your knife (blade towards you) and fork parallel, at 4:00. (Meaning if the plate is like the face of a clock, 12:00 being the top and 6:00 being the bottom, the handles of your knife and fork should be resting at 4:00.)

How do I pass things correctly?

First, don’t ever reach across the table with a plate of food, a utensil, or anything else. It’s aggressive, rude, and increases the chance for disaster if your hand decides to have a spasm. If someone across the table asks for something small, like the salt and pepper, then place them on the table beside the person next to you. He/She should pick them up and place them on the other side, beside the person next to them. Items should never be passed hand-to-hand, unless they’re large (like a serving plate of food) and there is absolutely no way you can place them on the table between each person.

What can I eat with my hands?

Burgers and sandwiches are generally okay, as are burritos and other similar foods, unless they’re too big to pick up and fit easily in your mouth. Never under-estimate how much easier it is to eat a large cheeseburger if you cut it in half first.

Corn on the cob can be eaten by hand, but you’ll need to only butter 1-2 rows at a time, eat them, and then butter the next 1-2 rows. This ensures that you won’t end up with butter all over your chin.

Berries can be tricky. The rule is that you’re allowed to each the following three things with your fingers: (1) strawberries with the hulls on, (2) cherries with stems, or (3) grapes in bunches. Otherwise, if it’s something loose, like raspberries or blueberries, eat them with a fork.

The two As: artichokes and asparagus:

We’ll tackle asparagus first, because it’s easier. If there’s no sauce (nothing messy) on your asparagus, you can actually pick up individual stalks and eat them one bite at a time. If there’s sauce of any kind, eat it with a knife and a fork. I tend to wave food around if it’s in my hand for very long, so I generally eat everything with a knife and fork. (As a sidenote, don’t wave stuff around, especially not your knife. That’s all you need is to get overzealous while gesturing and be responsible for your dinner-date needing an eye-patch.)

Artichokes are harder. In fact, the person who serves whole artichokes should probably be smacked around, as they’re one of the most notoriously confusing foods to eat. A nice, illustrated guide on eating an artichoke is here.

The House of Agnelli Divided

The Agnelli Family have long been heralded as the Kennedys of Italy. In fact, Jackie and Gianni were rumored to be quite close after Jackie married Aristotle Onassis. Not only has the Agnelli family endured suicides and drug over-doses, but they’ve also captivated the world of couture for the past fifty years.

Gianni Agnelli was the epitome of Italian fashion, both in his day and after – Esquire recently named him one of the five best dressed men in the history of the world. He was the embodiment of sprezzatura, to say nothing of a shrewd and brilliant businessman who amassed a massive fortune in his life.

Now that Gianni Agnelli has passed on, an estate of somewhere between $3 billion and $5 billion sits with the Fiat company. And that’s the problem – no one is really sure how much it is, and the men who do know aren’t talking. And so a lawsuit has been filed by Magherita, Agnelli’s only daughter, which has divided her not only from her father’s long-time consiglieri, but also from her own family.

After being given the run-around days after her father’s death (such as being told her presence “wasn’t needed” when his last will and testament was read), and then fearing her mother had been strong-armed by her father’s business partners into “donating” her own share of stock to Fiat, Margherita’s request is simple: she just wants a full accounting of her father’s assets upon his death.

Her father’s business advisors (Gianluigi Gabetti, Franzo Grande Stevens, and Siegfried Maron) provided her only with a partial listing – Agnelli’s assets in Italy, only, in spite of the fact that he owned real estate around the world, and had numerous other cash sources in various countries. (Gianni left $6 million in his Swiss checking account alone.) Margherita is now asking for an accurate and full accounting, which one would think would be her right.

The only problem with that is once an accurate estimate of Agnelli’s fortune is known, it becomes more difficult to protect from the government and taxes. And the concern is that, while the majority of the fortune now seems to sit with Fiat, if the full amount is made known, then his heirs (including Margherita) might start requesting what some might consider their due inheritance. Gabetti, Stevens, and Maron’s solution to this problem is not business-minded, but personal: they’ve recommended that the entire Agnelli family shun Margherita until the entire thing goes away.

But it’s not going away, as Vanity Fair detailed in this month’s issue. It’s not going away, because Margherita, like her father, is a warrior.

The Women Who Wanted the Secrets by Mark Seal | Vanity Fair | August 2008

Sticky Situations: How to Properly Decline a Wedding Invitation and Other Issues

So you’ve gotten one of those wedding invitations where you suspect the Bride has invited everyone she’s ever come in contact with, including the checker at the grocery store. Or perhaps you’ve received a wedding invitation from an actual friend, but have already made irreversible plans (such as expensive plane tickets to Europe, or knee-surgery, or a family reunion).

How do you properly decline?

The most common way to appropriately decline a wedding invitation is simply by filling out the RSVP card: write the number of people declining on the ___ decline with regret line.

How many people is this? No more than the number the invitation is addressed to. For example, if the invitation is addressed to both you and your significant other, it goes (2) decline with regret. If the invitation is addressed to you only, simply write (1) decline with regret.

It’s also nice to include either a hand-written note on the RSVP card, or a hand-written note on your own stationary. Be honest, and keep it brief – don’t go on and on about how you’d truly love to be there, but just can’t possible, dah-ling. If the situation is genuinely sticky (for example, you actually don’t know or like the person very well, or the wedding is 1,200 miles away and you can’t possible afford the plane fare), then simply thank them for thinking of you, ask them to accept your apologies, and congratulate them.

An example follows:

If no RSVP card is enclosed (which is sometimes the case with a bridal shower or a luncheon), you can write a formal decline on your own stationary.

All lettering should be centered, and should look like this:

Who do I actually decline to?

Give your regrets to whomever the RSVP envelope is addressed to. If there is no RSVP envelope, give your regrets to whomever the invitation says is hosting the wedding.

For example, “John and Jane Smith invite you to celebrate the marriage of their daughter” implies that you should decline to none other than John and Jane. If, however, the invitation lists the parents as hosts, but the RSVP envelope is addressed directly to the Bride herself, then decline to the Bride – she’s obviously going to be the one tallying the responses.

But do I still have to send a gift?
Well, yes. I mean, you don’t have to do anything, but it is better to err on the side of etiquette. The same theory applies to weddings as to formal dinner parties – if the hosts are being kind enough to feed and entertain you, you should at least be kind enough to bring a bottle of wine. Even if you’re declining a wedding invitation, the hosts offered to entertain you, not to mention share an incredibly special moment with you – and that is worth a gift.

How do I know what kind of gift to send?

A Bride and Groom should be registered at 2-3 different stores – for example, Macy’s, William-Sonoma, and Restoration Hardware. More and more, stores are giving the Bride little cards that have her registry information on them to include in her invitations. This is incredibly poor taste, and I wish someone would smack those marketing people in the face.

Proper etiquette declares that an invitation should never, ever have the wedding registry information. According to the strictest rules, a couple shouldn’t even specify “no gifts please” on their invitations. Instead, the Mother of the Bride and the Maid of Honor are responsible for spreading the word on where the couple is registered, or if they’d even like gifts at all, or if the couple is requesting donations to a charity instead. (For example, Jack’s mother died of cancer at a young age, and so we put the word out with my mother and my bridesmaids that we’d truly prefer donations to the American Cancer Society instead.)

So if you have questions, feel free to call the Mother of the Bride or the Maid of Honor and simply ask. If you know the Bride very well, then ask her yourself.

If I decline a wedding invitation to someone else’s wedding, is it then okay to invite them to my wedding?

Well…yes and no. For this reason, I do my best not to decline wedding invitations at all if I can help it – it’s too easy to get into a tit-for-tat mindset. Technically, they invited you, so you should still invite them, unless you are having an incredibly small ceremony or reception (for example, only you, the groom, and the immediate wedding party on a beach in Hawaii). But don’t be surprised if you get a decline back; when you decline someone’s wedding invitation, it sort of gives them an equal excuse to decline yours.

If I bring a gift to the bridal shower, do I have to bring a gift to the wedding?

In America, it’s appropriate to do either. Again, I err on the side of caution and bring someone small to the bridal shower – something the bride has specifically registered for (such as a nice set of cocktail napkins) or something just for her (such as a small gift certificate to the salon to take her mind off wedding planning). Then I bring something larger of their registry (like a place-setting of china, or a hand-mixer) to their wedding.

This can vary from region to region, though, and certainly from country to country. I have an aunt living in Canada who was recently invited to a bridal shower, and she brought her large gift (an espresso maker) to the shower and came to the wedding empty-handed. After the wedding, the Bride actually called her and said, “I didn’t see a gift from you at our wedding, and I wanted to make sure it hadn’t been misplaced.” Honestly, this was in poor taste on the Bride’s part, but of course my aunt felt awful and wished she’d just sucked it up and brought something small to the shower, then her large gift to the wedding instead.

I’m being invited to the wedding, and a kitchen-shower, and a lingerie-shower, and a regular bridal shower – do I have to go to all of that? And do I have to bring separate gifts for each one?

Here’s the deal – showers are all about opening the gifts, one at a time, and everyone looking at them and saying, “Ohhh,” and “Ahhh.” If you’re not going to bring a gift, you’re going to seem rude and out-of-place, so politely decline. (Declining a bridal shower is not nearly as big a deal as declining the wedding itself.) If you’re invited to several events – I myself have both a bridal shower and a lingerie shower for the same woman coming up – then I recommend either turning one or the other down entirely, negating your need to bring a gift, or attending both and bringing a gift to both. That’s the only proper way to do it.

If you’re going to decline a shower, be sure to do so following the rules already covered in this post.

If the invitation is only addressed to me, can I bring a guest?

The hard-and-fast rule is “No.” Weddings are expensive things, and if the Bride is only addressing the invitation to you, she’s probably thought long and hard about it, and decided to try and keep the costs down. Respect her decision.

If, however, the invitation is addressed to Your Name and Guest, then she’s leaving it up to you to come stag or to come with a date. Typically, the rule is that it’s necessary to invite both people if they are married, and it’s polite to invite both people if they are engaged. Other than that – whether you’ve been seeing your significant other for five days or five years – it’s really up to the Bride’s discretion.

If you’ve got a significant other that you can’t possible leave out, or if you’ve already made plans with a close friend or relative for that weekend, then call the Bride or the Maid of Honor and ask directly. Most Brides will graciously allow this if you’re polite enough to ask first, and if they say “thanks but no thanks – I’d rather you come alone,” then you are allowed to (gracefully!) decline.

Can I bring my kids to the wedding?

Not unless the invitation is addressed to them specifically. It is fine to bring your children if the invitation is addressed to either:

The Smith Family or John, Jane, Krissy and John Jr.

If the invitation is only addressed to you, or to you and your spouse (example: “Ms. Jane Smith” or “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”), then assume children are not invited. If you can’t find a babysitter or just simply can not leave your children at home, you can always call the Bride or the Maid of Honor and ask politely, but be aware that this puts them in a difficult situation because you’re asking them to choose between you and your children. Bringing your 50-year old (assumingly well-behaved) mother because she has already made plans to come and visit you that weekend is one thing; asking the Bride to eschew your three children under the age of 12 is another.

And remember – this may not be anything personal. First, children will be children, and it’s difficult for most of them to sit through both a ceremony and a reception without them being bored or loud. Second, it may not be your children she’s concerned about – she may have a particularly badly behaved set of children with one of her other friends or family members, and she’s exercising the Equal Discrimination Rule: if you’re not going to invite all the children, then don’t invite any.

How do I properly address people when responding to an invitation?

Addressing rules are covered in The Lost Art of Letter Writing.